New Chapter: Unexpected Addition

To the few who I am sharing these details with:

I have found it really helpful to be able to go back to my previous blog posts and read about my feelings, what the doctor's said, measurements, etc... so I decided I needed to write this stuff down again.  And as long as I am doing that, I figured it is also a good way to share info with you guys as I get it...

On Friday (11/12) I just had this feeling while at work....  like I should get a pregnancy test.  I was only a week or so overdue (which doesn't mean a lot for me given I am all over the map with my cycle.)  But I went at lunchtime and got a cheap test - thinking it wasn't worth wasting money because they always turn out negative...  but this one came back with a VERY faint pink line, which had me wondering if it was the cheap test or really meant something.  So I thought about it all afternoon.

Joe and I talked about it at home and he decided we needed to get a "good" test, so he went to the store and got 2 of the good digital versions...  I took that one and it too, came back reading "Pregnant."

What?  Really?  More than anything this just scares me.  After having been through 2 miscarriages - it's hard to get excited about being pregnant.  It's all based on fear of facing that all over again.  Not once have I had a successful pregnancy, so it's all I know.  FEAR.

AND... as it turns out, Joe and I had just made the decision to move forward (or try) on a second Haiti adoption.  We had a meeting scheduled to update our Homestudy and had just done our psychological exam.  We had started down the road.  The same thing happened right after we got Samuel's referral (pregnancy and then miscarriage.)  Why?  I don't know why it happened.  It doesn't make sense.  If I end up remaining pregnant - SUPER!  But if I have a miscarriage - I just don't understand why...  what is the point of this?

Anyway - I took another OTC test yesterday (just to be sure) and it came back positive once again.  So I called my OB/GYN's office and the message service paged the doctor-on-call, who ordered lab work.  I went to the hospital lab around 9:30am this morning and had that done...  now I am just waiting to hear from them.

I am just numb right now - sort of in this surreal mental place.  Wishing time would stop and also wishing it would fly by so I would know the outcome.  I am trying to hope for the best, but it's so hard to do when you have had nothing but failure and pain in this area of life.

I would appreciate prayers - that no matter what the outcome, I can stay strong and get through it all.