Sad & Depressed

I am sitting here at work, in a somewhat depressed state of mind. It's funny how I never was ready for kids and wasn't concerned about it. My mom had 2 daughters with no issues; my sister has had 4 children with no issues... so I certainly didn't expect to find myself in this situation. And here I am, 34 years old (35 in exactly 20 days) now questioning if I will ever have a family.

And now, that I have attempted just about every infertility option offered (with no results) reality is hitting me in the face. I realized yesterday that the depression comes when you lose hope - after all, isn't IVF the last possible option?

I don't consider myself emotional, or a "crier" but the last couple of days have been so overwhelming on me emotionally. I feel responsible for not being able to accept those 2 little eggs and help them to live and grow.

Joe and I talked extensively last night about our options. I guess there are 3 options: 1) try again 2) adopt 3) stop everything. I don't think Joe wants to go the adoption route until we really feel like we have exhausted our own abilities. And in reading some of the stories, it takes some people 3-4 times. I guess the issue is our insurance doesn't cover this (like some states require) so we do have limits. But I also told Joe that I would pay a lot of money, in the end, to end up with my own kid. BUT, you will never have guarantees - ever.

We have to 2 eggs frozen, but after doing lots of research, I found out that there is a 30-50% chance that the eggs will make it out of the thawing process. This means that we probably will only get 1 good egg. So our thoughts are to attempt a "fresh" cycle of IVF/ET (which costs significantly more than just FET.) However, if we end up with 2-3 additional frozen eggs out of the fresh cycle, we would have 4-6 eggs left frozen (from the last cycle, plus the new one.) Then, if the 2nd full cycle attempt didn't work, we would be able to get 2-3 eggs after thawing them all (for a "better odds" FET cycle.)

I look back at all we have been through this past year, and honestly can't believe I made it through all that with a full-time, stressful job and continued failures... (not to mention a possible job loss, and moving to a new house.)

What is it in women that gives us the "drive" to have our own children? I was never in a hurry... looking back though, I probably would have done things differently had I known (even though I do appreciate the things I have been able to do in life.) But I guess there are reasons for everything. I just can't quite figure out why this endeavor is so difficult for some people.